ABUNDANT LIFE MINISTRIES

Happy MOTHERS Day to the MOTHERS that are, the MOTHERS that are soon to be, the women who MOTHER those they didn't bear, and very special thoughts and memories to the MOTHERS who are no longer with us!!!

HERE IS A LITTLE MOTHERS DAY WEEKEND FUN!

***"NICE" YO MOMMA JOKES...***

Yo Momma is so sweet, the folks at Splenda want her recipe.
Yo Momma look so young, I thought she was your sister.
Yo Momma is so in style, can I borrow her high waisted jeans?
Yo Momma is so full of wisdom, I am going to get advice from her.
Yo Momma has the coolest car, my car only seats four, your mom's caravan ten.
Yo Momma can sew so good, will she make me something I can wear to school?
Yo Momma cooks the best vegetables, there so good that I don't even want dessert.
Yo Momma works so hard, I would be broke trying to pay her what she deserves.
Yo Momma is so hip, her public singing and dancing makes you more popular.
Yo Momma is so cool, even Chuck Norris wants her autograph.

{LAUGH... THESE ARE SO AWESOME (WINK) add a few of your own in the comment section}

***What My Mother Taught Me***

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

***JOKES AND QUOTES....***

*Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to
tell her that he was misbehaving.”Wait a minute,” she said.
“I had Johnny with me for three months and
I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

*The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, ‘What did you learn today?’
The kid replies, ‘Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.’

*"I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." - Phyllis Diller

*A young man agreed to baby-sit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed. At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No." Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

*"Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
She wrote to the first son: "Milton, the house you built is too big. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
She wrote to the second son: "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used the Mercedes... and the driver is SO rude."
She wrote to the third son: "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes... The chicken was delicious."

*One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"